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Okay, I'm locking this post simply because I bet Z would rather not see it.
One of the many, many things about my life that I almost never mention is that my father, among his many strains of batshit assholery, has a hoarding compulsion. I am finding myself wanting to say that he's not that bad on the scale of how bad hoarders get, but I've dallied in support groups long enough to know that everyone says this about everything [srs trufax tiem: real people are highly wont to say 'but it wasn't that bad compared to [you/everyone else in the support group/gaia]'. I can't express exactly why this is but if you think about it you can probably feel out why this behaviour is so near-universal. People who openly make post-boss-battle-speeches all the goddamn time are therefore v. likely to be liars. There's a few of them in the blogosphere who I am just waaaiting to see implode!]
This barely crosses my mind any more, other than sometimes when I talk to my brother and maybe ask him if he's going to be able to do anything about the house any time soon, etc etc etc. It's really weird to look around the place I'm in now - a desk covered in books and utility bills and embroidery floss (hush, I'm making something for Fly), a bed that needs making, a floor with a few oddments of M's clothing strewn around - and remember that there was a time in my life when I literally used to close my eyes and have impossible fantasies about opening them and seeing a little space as open and liveable as this, and then dancing into it.
(This is why I hate a) trash left around the place b) owning more things than I need and c) not having people to ask over for tea & bikkits; I have that whole isolation/shame thing left over, if you get me).
ANYWAY.
I just came across this list online (it was buried in a pdf page, or else I'd link to it) and it was so very true I wanted to post it on my dj/dw, as a record of what the stuff I rarely think about actually is:
When the hoarder says:
I can't afford it.
The hoarder means:
I don't want you to know how much money I have.
When the hoarder says:
Of course I can afford it.
The hoarder means:
Whether I can afford it or not, I'm getting it.
When the hoarder says:
All you care about is my money.
The hoarder means:
All *I* care about is my money.
When the hoarder says:
You can do anything you want when I'm dead.
The hoarder means:
You will, however, be limited by the choices I am making
now, no matter what effect they will have after I'm dead.
When the hoarder says:
(About repairs to house or car) No, it was too expensive.
The hoarder means:
I either wanted to spend the money on something else or have the fun of
complaining about how much more it will cost to fix later.
When the hoarder says:
One of my few pleasures is...
The hoarder means:
...making sure nobody else has any.
When the hoarder says:
I didn't think you'd care.
The hoarder means:
Maybe I can turn this into an argument, yet.
When the hoarder says:
I can't do anything right.
The hoarder means:
Since I'm always right, you're the one with the problem.
One of the many, many things about my life that I almost never mention is that my father, among his many strains of batshit assholery, has a hoarding compulsion. I am finding myself wanting to say that he's not that bad on the scale of how bad hoarders get, but I've dallied in support groups long enough to know that everyone says this about everything [srs trufax tiem: real people are highly wont to say 'but it wasn't that bad compared to [you/everyone else in the support group/gaia]'. I can't express exactly why this is but if you think about it you can probably feel out why this behaviour is so near-universal. People who openly make post-boss-battle-speeches all the goddamn time are therefore v. likely to be liars. There's a few of them in the blogosphere who I am just waaaiting to see implode!]
This barely crosses my mind any more, other than sometimes when I talk to my brother and maybe ask him if he's going to be able to do anything about the house any time soon, etc etc etc. It's really weird to look around the place I'm in now - a desk covered in books and utility bills and embroidery floss (hush, I'm making something for Fly), a bed that needs making, a floor with a few oddments of M's clothing strewn around - and remember that there was a time in my life when I literally used to close my eyes and have impossible fantasies about opening them and seeing a little space as open and liveable as this, and then dancing into it.
(This is why I hate a) trash left around the place b) owning more things than I need and c) not having people to ask over for tea & bikkits; I have that whole isolation/shame thing left over, if you get me).
ANYWAY.
I just came across this list online (it was buried in a pdf page, or else I'd link to it) and it was so very true I wanted to post it on my dj/dw, as a record of what the stuff I rarely think about actually is:
When the hoarder says:
I can't afford it.
The hoarder means:
I don't want you to know how much money I have.
When the hoarder says:
Of course I can afford it.
The hoarder means:
Whether I can afford it or not, I'm getting it.
When the hoarder says:
All you care about is my money.
The hoarder means:
All *I* care about is my money.
When the hoarder says:
You can do anything you want when I'm dead.
The hoarder means:
You will, however, be limited by the choices I am making
now, no matter what effect they will have after I'm dead.
When the hoarder says:
(About repairs to house or car) No, it was too expensive.
The hoarder means:
I either wanted to spend the money on something else or have the fun of
complaining about how much more it will cost to fix later.
When the hoarder says:
One of my few pleasures is...
The hoarder means:
...making sure nobody else has any.
When the hoarder says:
I didn't think you'd care.
The hoarder means:
Maybe I can turn this into an argument, yet.
When the hoarder says:
I can't do anything right.
The hoarder means:
Since I'm always right, you're the one with the problem.