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re. fuckupery:
This is a message I sent to Fly months ago, but I dug it up and reread it just now because I'm trying to write something that came from the internal dialogue it referenced and I wanted to dig back into source code, if you get me. so. c/p for reference, and because I can.
I am still thinking about [detail redacted] - hope you don't mind that. Is partly because I was having one of my periodic headfucks about the concept of forgiveness earlier today...okay so maybe the connection between these two things doesn't make any actual sense and instead just represents where I was when you were talking to me. There are a whole ball of issues that are inherently THERE when it comes to massively abusive situations - 'how much should which people know' is one that bugs the shit out of me because I live off information and kneejerk believe that withholding it is WRONG but sharing bad things can both create tension and put people in positions they shouldn't have to be in, BUT, silence never solves or changes anything, gah.
When do you stop trying and shut the door? I hashed something out with the help of one of the imaginary people in my head earlier (yes, this is how I process things), and got to this; I couldn't forgive my father because he had no understanding that he'd done anything wrong.
Paragraph break for emphasis. Idk, maybe some people can do that, but I sure as fuck can't.
And I was aware that the existence of a family tie is supposedly a reason to keep on trying, and vascillated about whether I should be doing so or not - I sent him a christmas card last year, and he gave me a birthday card and gave some of my embarrassing childhood photos to Matthew at Z's wedding - but, as Kathie put it my father never mentally got past age 12 and I was in a massive trap all along because he didn't have the rationality to - yeah we are stuck in a loop here, where batshit people are incapable of seeing their own batshit, and very selfish people do not register that other people are negatively affected by their selfishness. And so you have to do all the work for them! And the most positive thing they will ever do is to wheedle you into meekness; they will never apologise, they will never help you heal yourself, they will never admit they were in any respect wrong and the only benefit of not passing the hate around is to respect innocence.
Not sure innocence is actually worth it. The burdens pile up on it awful fast whatever you do, and it is possible to lose it again and again and again.
The next bit of hashings-out was about writing. I write to share feelings, experiences and such, and when people understand & respond it is (potentially) a bit like externalising part of this process. (alternatively it may just be airing crack theories and terrible kinks - if you mix it up enough everyone stays on their toes). You can't get the person(s) who gave you the scars to understand how that made you feel and acknowledge that they hurt you, but you can share the distantly extrapolated results of them with the internet and knowing that your traumabrain has made someone else feel something helps diffuse the tension. Displaced catharsis, idk. Someone knows that someone has done something wrong to someone and that makes it hurt less.
I feel like it's a bit like having an external drive that contains a backup of my ability to feel feelings, idk, somehow it proves that I exist and cannot be destroyed because all this terrible porn I've written is something that can never be taken away from me. These two paragraphs made a lot more sense in my head. :(
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(I am in love with your insights--I am pretty good at not thinking about things, myself, and what you've said here, particularly the last two paragraphs, really click in my head.)
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This was months ago, so I feel an awful lot better by now, but hugs are always good. I finished the abovementioned fic and posted it on comm - hopefully now I can get back to the kink porn oh god why did i let this terrible pairing take over my life again ;___;
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