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doing this again
the two jobs thing leaves me buttonmashing at my gummed up brain. sleep? sugar? caffeine? exercise? music? sex? joy? eventually i will learn that nothing i can put in my body or mind will cure a problem caused by excess.
and for the first time, I don't need to do this. The money is nice, covers all winter bills and a few house repairs, but, ffs, I am getting more from this 15hr/week tax gig than I used to make from the two gigs I jugged in GA both added together. I am not used to passing on money and it's not even THAT, I'm not used to passing on good work. I hate how bad I am at the day job. I have no appetite for the work, and I just get desperate to do something I'm meaningfully good at. I still believe there's a place where it will all come together. I hope I can get my securities license by the end of the month, though employer has to jump through another hoop or two. I want it off my back, plus it would let me think more meaningfully about what I'll do next.
other stuff-
-humans? i love all of the humans. I had this horrifying drop early last summer when several close friends moved away/left for long, long trips and certain other friends got too busy for months. in total this was all of my close local friends. i had to meet other humans, it was scary, but was good because they are good brave humans.
-puppies. always surrounded by puppies. (We are plus one dog and minus one cat; Cooper took a downturn early last summer and a worse downturn close to Christmas).
-skating weekly is good for me but I'm not going to figure out how to get much form back unless I take lessons again, which I don't want to do until I've passed my securities exam
-full of books; currently carting around the third Wicked And The Divine trade, Tricia Sullivan's new book, plus my textbook, and I'm reading Noise by Jacques Attali a chapter at a time, and Generation Of Swine a snatch here and there, and I want to read more poetry, and the 'to read' pile will soon teeter over. (i just counted 19 things in it, including three half-reads, but not including the two in my handbag)
-one day, I will have my shit together enough to finish writing this overwrought threeway.
-suppose I tried to make more space for theatre and prophecy (linked arts there)
-suppose i figured out how to fix all the things that are wrong with my house
-i have a niece as of december and I want to visit her, but when???
i am bad at this one life thing.
and for the first time, I don't need to do this. The money is nice, covers all winter bills and a few house repairs, but, ffs, I am getting more from this 15hr/week tax gig than I used to make from the two gigs I jugged in GA both added together. I am not used to passing on money and it's not even THAT, I'm not used to passing on good work. I hate how bad I am at the day job. I have no appetite for the work, and I just get desperate to do something I'm meaningfully good at. I still believe there's a place where it will all come together. I hope I can get my securities license by the end of the month, though employer has to jump through another hoop or two. I want it off my back, plus it would let me think more meaningfully about what I'll do next.
other stuff-
-humans? i love all of the humans. I had this horrifying drop early last summer when several close friends moved away/left for long, long trips and certain other friends got too busy for months. in total this was all of my close local friends. i had to meet other humans, it was scary, but was good because they are good brave humans.
-puppies. always surrounded by puppies. (We are plus one dog and minus one cat; Cooper took a downturn early last summer and a worse downturn close to Christmas).
-skating weekly is good for me but I'm not going to figure out how to get much form back unless I take lessons again, which I don't want to do until I've passed my securities exam
-full of books; currently carting around the third Wicked And The Divine trade, Tricia Sullivan's new book, plus my textbook, and I'm reading Noise by Jacques Attali a chapter at a time, and Generation Of Swine a snatch here and there, and I want to read more poetry, and the 'to read' pile will soon teeter over. (i just counted 19 things in it, including three half-reads, but not including the two in my handbag)
-one day, I will have my shit together enough to finish writing this overwrought threeway.
-suppose I tried to make more space for theatre and prophecy (linked arts there)
-suppose i figured out how to fix all the things that are wrong with my house
-i have a niece as of december and I want to visit her, but when???
i am bad at this one life thing.